I saw this quote today on Pinterest and couldn’t help but laugh and also cry a mix of happy and sad tears.
This couldn’t be more true to life for me.
I spent all my school years/college years struggling to fit in with my pears, never having a close circle of friends, always being picked on and named called. I was lucky that I had one hobby that I was really good at which was ballet although that was just another reason for people to pick on me.
The years i spent being sad and upset, wondering what I had done for People to not like me or want to talk about me. But now I realise that it’s was there problem and not my problem. What ever I did or didn’t do they had a issue with it, my clothes were to small ( they weren’t) I was to thin, to pretty, I was a snob. Any reason they could find they would use.
But 14 years later I’m on the other side, yes I’m still different, no I don’t really have friends but I do have successful business and now some of those people or there family work for me.
It goes round in a circle, so yes a suffered in situations I didn’t deserve or didn’t need to be in but now I’m the one who’s come out on top.
“It’s only anxiety or pull your self together” is something I hear so often, until you’ve experienced really deep anxiety not the type you feel when you nervous but excited about something new, or the type you feel when your a little worried about something but it soon disappears then these comments are worthless but also ignorant.
Really deep down anxiety when the thought of your anxiety makes you so scared you can’t breath, you struggle to see straight, you can’t eat, you wake up shaking or struggling to sleep, you can’t see past the things that are causing your anxiety, you can’t function thinking those things might happen or you might have to face a situation with these fears.
Real crippling anxiety is not something that disappears after a couple of days or the events happened, that’s called nerves there totally normal part of our bodily function and a healthy part.
Crippling anxiety is something that isn’t healthy it’s not healthy to be stuck in your life unable to move forward because your fear is so strong, so overwhelming, it controls your life, feeds you lies, makes you question your choices.
Real anxiety is nothing to be proud of, it’s nothing a suffer says in passing comment, it’s often a hidden secret you’ll never know unless you know someone really really well that they are suffering, as there often to worried to share they are suffering.
Let’s just put it out there being anxious is hard it’s draining, dark and tiering but recover is even harder even more challenging and even more darker. It challenges your biggest fear pushes you to limits you never knew you had.
I’m two months down my journey two months since I promised my self I’d give it a year, a year to make changes in the life I have a year to find comfort and start to live.
It’s not easy it’s harder than I ever thought it would be, I’ve been stuck in my ways, routines, and behaviours for so long as there my only way of coping. My life revolves around my house and work, given the choice I wouldn’t go to work and only do when it’s desperate. I find work challenging there family owned business with staff, ugh. I don’t deal with people well being autistic it’s a challenge I struggle to read people and often misunderstand them. Add into that a large group of staff to manage and it’s a recipe for disaster for me and I avoid at all cost. On top of that o have germ anxiety ( or maybe that’s there as a excuse for me not to go to work) who knows it’s just another thing to roll with.
I don’t socialise by choice as I find it stressful and let’s face it who wants to socialise with someone who has to leave most of the time as there so anxious, who can only go places that are familiar and often backs out at the last minute?? Not the best company I am??
I spend most of my time feeling exhausted and under the weather. Having fibromyalgia is draining but it’s only so bad when my anxiety is high I guess there all mixed together, I spend a lot of time dreaming about the things I’d like to do yet convincing myself I can’t do as I’m so anxious. I’m pretty much scared of my own shadow or germs?
So recovery’s slow I’m pretty sure I should just go and live on my own some where isolated, maybe I’d be happier then and more relaxed or maybe that’s just another dream I’d probably be unhappy there two.
Working towards recovery is so challenging but goals for this month are
Go out for a walk to ty local park
Try and be more positive
It sucks to be so anxious that all your thoughts revolve around it.
There’s times I’ve felt so overwhelmed with anxiety I struggle to function and have wanted to stay in bed and hide. Living with crippling anxiety is like like with a ticking time bomb that never quite explodes.
My anxiety’s has times it so bad I’ve gone to a&e thinking I was dieing, those were the early days with no diagnosis. I spent months going to the gp convinced there was something seriously wrong with me my dad had just passed away at 46 and I was sure I was heading that way as well.
I’d been ill for two years before my dad passed Id had glandular fever which turned in to chronic fatigue syndrome. Now it’s easy for me to see I was also suffering with anxiety which was causing my worst symptoms but I couldn’t verbalise what I was feeling (as I felt I was dieing) and the doctors couldn’t pick up on my anxiety even through I was at the gps 3 times a week.
Missing that diagnosis was a disaster for me it took over a year and lots of research on my side for anyone to accept that I a 18year old girl with lots of opportunities was on the nerve of a nervous break down or maybe a autistic overload but I wasn’t even aware at the time that I was autistic o was just told throughout school I saw the world different to others.
The chances to diagnosis me with both conditions were missed by education physiologist, physiatrist I was sent to see due to struggling to settle into high school. The those diagnosis could have changed slit for me and helped me to understand why I felt the way I did why i couldn’t manage situations like others did. I missed out on a career as a ballet dancer as I couldn’t handle the change in routine and being away from my family.
I don’t dwell on the fact that my anxiety has restricted my life in so many ways I try to think of the ways it’s made me who I am. I always feel like it’s me and my anxiety we don’t leave each other but sometimes we need each other more than others.
This year is the year I gave myself to make small changes that will help me feel like I have some control in my feelings and situations.
I often find myself feeling weighed down with anxiety and confusion. I feel life challenging (I’m mean who doesn’t ) but a different kind of challenging to his others find life, I feel overwhelmed in basic everyday situations. Things that should bring joy and happiness holidays, eating, days out shopping bring that feeling of dread. I thrive off routines and familiars although living in my house with my business it’s anything but that.
Daily self cares I introduced slowly this year
(as we all know I can’t handle to much change even if it might help as that would be to scary)
3 minute meditation every morning when everyone is sleeping
Breathing exercises and basic stretches
wrighting down two positives of the day. ( most of them have been that I’ve managed the day but hey that is a positive when your so anxious)
as I add to my routine I’m going to keep notes here to see what helps and what doesn’t.
I often find myself thinking this.
How did anxiety do this to me it was supposed to keep me safe?
All the routines, the special way to do things, avoiding certain triggers the list goes on. All those things I let my anxiety tell and and believed that It would keep me safe.
But what my anxiety really gave me was
Dry chapped lips and skin
Hands so dry and bleeding because of constant washing.
Ibs and tummy issues
Hygiene issues as I’m to scared to bath or shower.
Scruffy upkept look one way I’d never have been seen when I’m not in a high intensity of anxiety, stress and depression.
Feeling like I’m dieing racing heart, aching joints and bones no energy.
How can what starts of as trying to keep yourself and prevent yourself from getting ill become such a spiral?
It never was keeping you safe it was you creating ways to try and take control of a situation such as your life that you feel you have no control of.
I look at myself now underweight, dryskin, dark bags under my eyes and I look like depression and anxiety
This isn’t what I wanted or what was ment to happen I wanted to stay well not control my life and make myself ill.
How do you put into words the feelings your feeling, when you mind is heavy, and body feels weak you feel like everyone needs your attention and energy but you have non to share.
When the days are so hard all you want to do is hide, when the main cause of stress and anxiety is something you can’t control and the only way to change it would be to walk out of your life and leave everything you’ve worked for.
When your body is telling you to run and go as far away as possible then you can heal and thrive not break and fight to survive.
When all you want to do is cry but your numb, your tired and alone. You only have a few close people to talk to but the person who should be your rock causes you the most anguish.
The days are hard and the nights are tougher but looking and seeing no change in the future is the worse.
How do you save yourself when you can’t even help yourself.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been different, things that come easy to others are hard for me. From being in social situations, to working together as a group, to understanding my feelings and others and being able to process them. I’ve always lent on others or hidden behind being unwell to prevent me from having to do things.
Yet to others who don’t know me you would never know the struggle I have. I don’t keep the same friends or really have friends so no one notices when I drop of the face off the earth for months at a time. I trained all my life to be a professional ballet dancer and went to ballet school but that was to overwhelming and I became ill with m.e (chronic fatigue) I then disappeared from the friends I made there and closed the chapter on that story.
I then met my partner and had my son which was a experience ( that deserves a post of its own) we opened a shop and I managed I managed to work a few hours each day until we grew and opened more and staff became employed and people problems arrived into the work place and quickly I was in charge of 30+ people with no people skills of my own.
Struggle is not a word to describe the chaos that has been the last two years for me, I feel like Im having a nervous breakdown I’ve lost a stone in weight I don’t have to loose and i just want to run away.
This lead to referrals for anxiety bearing in mind my anxiety has been a problem for years, I was covering ground I’d covered plenty of times before yet getting worse, then one day while desperately researching why I can’t cope, why my brain feels like a dark heavy brick I realised I had all the symptoms of autism.
After pushing and pushing I finally got a assessment and a diagnosis which I and my mum knew was right every one else was shocked but what they didn’t realise is they don’t know the real me they see the learnt me.
So here we are 1month after diagnosis feeling like I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders and like I want to run as far as possible but will that make me feel better…….. ,
Hi welcome and thank you for visiting my blog.
I’m sophie a mum, wife, business owner. I’ve started my blog to document and work my way through the mind field of life as it is.
After struggling to fit in through out my life and many years of struggling with serve anxiety and the health issues that come with it. I was diagnosed as autistic 2 months ago at the age of 31.
Wow just like that things just seemed to click and fall in to place. The struggles I’d had all the years of upset, feeling excluded not fitting in. Struggling with my emotions, sensory issues with eating and all the other issues were explained I wasn’t just odd and lonely there was a reason for this.
I’ve started this blog to share my experiences pre diagnosis and post diagnosis and during diagnosis, the fight I had to get the diagnosis and the shock of everyone including my g.p when I got the diagnosis, only my close family was expecting it just goes to show how goof we are at learned behaviour, and hiding meltdowns.
I’ve love you to follow this journey with me and get to know you along the way.